51 Months of Breast Feeding, Farewell

I'm weaning the baby.  No more "nursie."  I can't believe the time has come already and then on the other hand I'm so over it.  I am embracing my body as just my own again and forever more but it was amazing to share myself for so very long.

It started with the birth of my son in September 2006.  After 22 hours of labor, this shockingly large, 9+lbs baby was put in my arms.  He was so warm and smooth and I was so beyond happy to finally meet him 10 days after his due date.  I put him to my breast immediately, it was so strange to be able to provide nourishment to my baby from my own body.  I remember sort of reminding myself that it was completely natural and the whole thing felt simultaneously strange and empowering.  So in the last five years or so this is what I've learned about breastfeeding...

It started out rocky and it seems to for EVERYONE.  There was a breastfeeding class at the hospital but it was a total joke.  Personally, I had stitches down low from tearing during delivery, the pain made it near impossible to sit up for the hour long class.  The nurses kind of glanced over and saw my son latched on so I was OK and I left the class early due to the pain of sitting up.  We got home and the alarms bells sounded with the first pediatrician appointment.   My baby had lost a little too much weight.  The pediatrician quickly recommended adding a little formula.  I was adamant that we exclusively breastfeed but the baby would only latch on for small increments and then fall asleep.  Thankfully, my amazing husband got in touch with a lactation consultant who was at a nearby hospital (not even the hospital where we had our son).  She assessed the situation and offered me a nipple shield.  I could have dipped that thing in gold!  It was amazing.  Now, my baby was really nursing, finally at nearly a week old!  LESSON: Consult a lactation consultant if you are having trouble. Don't give up too easily and don't try too hard, do what YOU think is best and what ever you choose IS the right thing for you and baby.

The nipple shield worked for the first couple of months and by Thanksgiving I didn't even need it.  Due to my mere 8 week (actually 6 weeks and 2 weeks of vacation) maternity leave I now had to deal with bottles and pumping.  Nothing makes you feel more like a cow than pumping.  Pumping is everything breastfeeding is not, completely impersonal.  The whooshing of the machine, the quantifying every last ounce of milk, tapping every last drop into bottles, agonizing over the amount.  The "policy" at my office for nursing mothers was for moms to see the receptionist (hopefully at her desk and not elsewhere) when you need to pump.  The receptionist or who ever was covering her would then determine which office was available and dole out the key -- nothing discreet about it.  Despite being in a supposedly empty and locked office you never knew when someone might accidentally pop in on you like the cleaning people or anyone with a master key.  Welcome back to work, check your dignity at the door, Mama.  I remember coming home after those working days, unbuttoning my blouse almost immediately after stepping through the door and re-connecting with my baby as he nursed.  It was worth the aggravation.  LESSON: Often being a breastfeeding mom puts you in unfair and annoying situations, expect them and be willing to face and overcome obstacles.   While your baby can't say, "Thank you" it is a nice way to be close whether you are physically present or not.

For many reasons I quit my job and then breastfeeding became so much easier.  I remember being so proud at my son's birthday that we had made it to the one year mark and were still nursing.  I wondered whether we should stop.  We were just trying to hit the 12 month mark but he liked it and I was happy to provide so why not continue?  So we did continue and then I got pregnant again.  It was hard to see my little guy mad at me when I denied him "nursie" and he really only needed it to fall asleep so we continued and then my daughter was born.  I really wanted to avoid any potential resentment toward the new baby that he might have if I told him no and then allowed the new baby to nurse so I continued to let him nurse.  CRAZY!  Tandem nursing only lasted a month and then I just had to tell my almost 2 year old no more nursie.  With all the new milk he was starting to prefer it to food and it was just time for him to move on.  LESSON: If you really want to try tandem nursing go for it, my advice is wean your baby before its even an issue.

My daughter was easy to nurse from the beginning, probably because there was no break from nursing my son.  I couldn't just stay at home though.  We had a bigger family now and needed to get out of the house so nursing in public became the art to master.  I remember being in the mall when she was so tiny in what I considered to be an out of the way spot and letting my baby nurse while my husband and son went into a store.  I was aghast at the snickers I got.  How do people snicker at a child eating?  It is such a crazy culture we live in that women's breasts are all over the place in revealing outfits in magazines and movies or in person walking through the mall yet people will zero in on a mom nursing discreetly.  Nursing in public only gets easier with practice.  Anyway at seventeen months, we decided to wean and it was quite helpful to have a solo trip planned where I could just go on a vacation, let it happen and not be tempted to return to nursing.  LESSON:  Life does not stop for nursing, just go with it, your only audience is your baby.

It was only a couple of months without nursing when I became pregnant for the third time.  When my second daughter was born I was a nursing pro.  Everything has gone well.  In the circus that is our family the demand of nursing forces me to slow down and just bond with my baby.  Again, we've made it to the 12 month mark which is always my goal.  Its with mixed emotions that I am not embracing the nursing for the longer/extended haul this time.  I know she'll be fine nutritionally and emotionally.  The sleep deprivation is killing me.  I'm a bit of a zombie some days and most nights.  Its not like it didn't happen at points with the other two kids but there were not this many kids to take care of before.   She is amazing though and has successfully weaned with not too much effort from all day nursing, this week night nursing is ending.  We're finding new snacks to enjoy and books to read instead of nursing.  I'm starting my day a little earlier to avoid the lay in bed and nurse routine, also avoiding being around her with my shirt off.  It is going really well.  LESSON:  When you're ready to wean read about it, have a plan, be ready to change some habits, especially your own.

Since I know this is my last baby, my nursing days are really ending.  These 51 months of sharing myself so intimately with my babies has been such an amazing experience.  I hope it makes them smarter, healthier and more emotionally stable like all these breast feeding proponents say.  Even if it doesn't, I know the benefits (I am not even talking about the calorie burn).  Having a warm little body in your arms against you and being able to be the only person in the world to give them the only thing in the world they want is JOY.  Its hard, I know.  I get it when people have their reasons for stopping.  I am so thankful I was able to persevere through the tough points, that my kids didn't have any major issues with nursing, that my husband has been so supportive and understanding about how important it is for our babies.  The act itself is so demanding and thankless yet it has brought me so much joy.   My babies keep growing and changing so quickly its nice to look down and just take in their look for that moment.   In hindsight, it is really only a moment and 51 months has passed so very quickly for me.



  

Me with my Pixie

Well, I've been mulling it over for a long while and finally decided to take the plunge... chopped off my hair.  I marched into the hairdresser with a nice picture of Michelle Williams (which I can't even post) and asked the hairdresser to try her best to make my extremely straight hair look like Michelle's.  I'm happy with the results, but still working on styling my hair.

I LOVE short hair.  I feel like every outfit looks more stylish, more Euro, with short hair.  I think I appear to be a lady who is not afraid to take chances, dare I say daring!  I feel brave, bold, etc.  Is that what I look like when I hop into the driver's seat of my minivan after strapping all my kids into their car seats?  Anyway, I don't really care too much how others perceive me but I thought I'd share some of the comments I've gotten (the good, bad and indifferent).

Note my before and after shots...

Before

After

This was not a subtle change and somehow this seems to invite LOTS of comments.

#1 Did you cut your hair?
(yeah, and?)

#2 You cut your hair.
(Should this be news to me or you?)

#3 I see you cut your hair.
(Do I say thank you?)

#4 Wow!  That's a different look for around here.
(Huh?)

#5 I didn't even recognize you.  (Followed by) I really like it.
(Thanks!)

#6 Love it!
(Thanks, me too)

#7 Rock star Momma!
(ya think?  Thanks)

#8 So adorable!
(Thanks!)

#9 You're brave!
(Smile)

#10 Did you mean to do that? It makes you look really young!
(yes, and you are socially awkward but saved it!)

Not that I would expect anyone to say they dislike my choice of haircuts but I think its hilarious how obvious it is when someone dislikes it and yet still feels compelled to comment!

This really was a reward to me.  I never would have done this with all that extra weight on.  Now, it will be motivation to keep the weight off.

All Eyes on Me or Not

More practice with the camera.  Trying to get the sun shining on/through their eyes b/c I noticed how pretty it was and then no one wanted to sit still and let me take the picture.

First Game

Today was my first day as assistant soccer coach.  Its me, 2 other dads are head coach and 2 more assistant coaches, plus the team of 12 five year old boys.  Very excited that I think I can add a lot to the team.  It was definitely worth it just for the one kid who said, "She's going to play?" I am teaching them something even if its not necessarily about soccer.  The dads are great but don't have my enthusiasm.  Next week I am going to have the boys do some sort of "Go team" cheer in the huddle which I was disappointed no one suggested this week.  My little guy was reluctant to participate during the drills but came around in time to do the scrimmage.  Plus I got chosen to be class mom!!  Still do not know which kid's class I was selected for but I don't really care which class.